Looking Back

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=su75AX_urjU

I’m not sure how to phrase this but I’ve been doing good. I’ve been smiling, laughing, trying to go out, trying to live life like I am not struggling.

I found this video just now and it made me think of that girl I was when I was in a hole of depression. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be in that hole. I knew how it felt but it actually pains me to realize that I no longer remember the feeling. Yes, I have bouts of shut down days, of days where I want to crawl into my hole and never come out but the difference with me now and me then is that I can come out of it. I can fight it. I no longer feel like I want to wash my eyes with acid and burn myself with fire.

I want to live. I want to experience things. I want IT to move out. The anxiety, the depression, the pain. I want it gone. I want to fight.

That fight is still in me.

And no. You can’t tell me that the fight is IN me because I am young and have so much to live for. I now know that even a sliver of that fight in me makes me get off my bed in the morning, crawl my way out of my hole and live. Even just an ounce of fight in me can help me.

I can help me.

Living with depression and shutting people out has been me for the past 21 years but slowly and gradually, I am fighting my way out of my shutdown days and crawling my way out of the well of darkness.

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