Go and Feel

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I have bad news. One of my grandmothers died last week. August 1, 2015, Saturday morning my mom went into my brothers’ room where I was crashing and she said that “lalab is gone”. I wanted to cry but no tears fell as my mom leaned into my shoulders and I try to wake myself up from the apparent sleepy haze.

Losing someone close will cut like a bitch and will be hard. I only cried on the last day, when she was cremated and everyone was saying their goodbyes. That’s when I cried, I remember her being there when I was younger, for always talking to me like I was a mature person and teaching me how to take care of my brothers.

I knew that even if I waited until the last minute to cry, my feelings were valid even without the physical appearance of my tears. “I’m all cried out.” is what I thought, having cried for at least once a day almost 3 years ago, maybe my tears are saved for things that are meant to breakdown for and not just some petty shutdown days where I feel worthless and incapable of living life.

Letting myself feel is easier said than done because I don’t want people to see that I’m having a hard time, I’m a hard ass like that and my resting bitch face will not help since I always look like I’m about to spew curses and sarcasm which is often.

Feeling is being vulnerable and my family is going through a lot right now for me to even burden them with my issues. I’m a twenty-one year old girl who depends on her parents like a leech and that’s not good because I’m supposed to be working and trying stuff and living life independently but nope. My brain decided to be fucked so I stay at home and figure my shit out.

I’m straying off my topic because that’s what I do. So, I’m going to ask myself a question: What do I feel?

I feel tired, sleepy, exhausted, worried, not sad but not happy, disappointed and all the negativity in the world somehow had passed theough my mind.

So today, I’m allowing myself to feel these but tomorrow is another day and I will try to feel better even if thw only thing I may manage to do is put in my laundry in the washing machine.

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