Ratty Ambivalence

Today’s topic is the rat and my ambivalence. Let’s start with my ambivalence:


Image: google

So that is the meaning of ambivalence. And according to shrink, it’s what I’m right now. Ambivalent to change and ambivalent about my progress which comes the part where my mother and brother’s voices simultaneously screams inside my head “JUST DO, DON’T THINK” (yeah, easy for you to say).

This is where it gets tricky for me and I’d like to play the blame game and point to the blogs that I’ve been recently reading about my nasty negative bitch rising from the grave but I know I can’t do that because I know eventually, Ms. Bitchy McBitch will wake from her slumber and kiss my ass again. Well, congrats, bitchy. You are alive and kicking.

The just do, don’t think matra worked for me in college. I mean for almost a whole academic year, I felt like a zombie going through the motions and dragging my ass into classes I hated and escaping into my theater org in the afternoons, but I crashed and burn real hard after what happened back then. So do I continue it? Or back the fuck off?

Change is the main topic of my session in CBT today. I have make shit a habit and do it constantly to be able to be consistent and committed to the plan that I’ve setup in the very beginning. Shrink also said that I should just do stuff, even if I hate it. So that’s what I’m gonna do with the exception of my rants and bitching coz, Ms. Bitchy McBitch is herr to stay.

Let’s go to my mood killer of the day. RAT. Another rat in my bedroom! Why the hell do those fuckers like my bedroom so much? Tjis is the second time that I saw a rat inside my room and I screamed so loud, I might’ve alerted the neighbors but oh right we have houses around us but nobody lives in them plus, nobody files a noise complaint when all I’m screaming is my younger brother’s name for him to come to fuck to my room and open the goddamn door so the thing can go away, but he was glued to the desktop and he waited until the little bitch disappeared and I ran out the door, grabbing my pillows, and dropping my phone on the ground. Me is klutzy when panicky.

This day wasn’t so bad except for the homecoming of Ms. Bitchy McBitch and the fucking rat. Now I will be trying to sleep next to my brother who snores like a mother. Sleep will be coming in about two more hours I think. It ahsn’t struck three yet and I have yet to get new meds from the pharmacy because the nearest one doesn’t have what I need.


One thought on “Ratty Ambivalence

  1. For me, I have to remember the value in therapy in order to keep with learning new habits. It’s more difficult to stay with it if you’re having to struggle with reasons to do it. Gradually, I was able to get from being frustrated with therapy to being indifferent about it.

    If you think about it, life is filled with habits. One puts one’s clothes on in a certain order, after doing certain morning routines, in conjunction with other later routines. People have them for a reason, and they add and subtract from them at will. From what you’re writing here, it seems like that is what you’re being asked to do. The goal is to get it to the point where you think about it as gravely as picking breakfast.

    Wishing you the best.

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