This is how I think I can put today’s bullshit depressive epispde into words (Good. I’m slightly riled up which means I’m not a numb fuck).
Disclaimer: I don’t even think this is going make sense. These are just words that came off the top of my head while I was in the shower.
There’s so much hostility in my blood right now, not sure why and I really don’t care.
Anyway, to start off I have been doing the “fake it till you make it” thing for far too long, I guess and it’s been months since I’ve really felt myself let go and fall. I haven’t had a depressive episode in so long I forgot how worthless and useless it can make you feel.
A lot of thibgs happened in the last three months, internship gone wrong (anxiety), fangirling gone wrong (this is where I know I’m kind of a bitch and then the guilty anxiety comes after). I guess you can say that the anxiety was to blame for everything but I don’t think it was that. I think underneath the façade of being the happy go lucky, strong fighter that I was, there lies a weak, hopeless girl.
That weak and hopeless person came into view yesterday morning when I woke up and just didn’t want to do shit and just stare at the ceiling inside the sauna that is my bedroom, but I couldn’t do that because my will and want to finish things were talking to me, hence dragging my ass off the bed and eating breakfast and going downstairs and trying. BUT! Nothing worked, after eating breakfast, I texted my shrink that I’ll be meeting her that afternoon then went up to my room and complained about a headache.
Halfway through my commute to my appointment, she texted me that she could not meet me because she’s fully loaded with patients, so I went to the nearest mall and walked around wanting a change of scene from my house and staying a few hours wandering around, impulsivity took place and I watched Paper Towns, I’ve read the book so I knew what was going to happen. (Side note: Cara Delevigne did not suck) Anyway there was this line that Margo(Cara’s character) said “Everything is uglier up close” which is kind of true and at some point throughout my laughter and smiles watching the movie, I felt utterly alone in a room full of people. Was supposed to meet my best friend after but I was getting anxious about why she was raking so long to reply to my texts so I went home. The fact that I haven’t seen her in months didn’t even phase me.
I don’t even know why I wrote that paragraph up there, what I really wanted to discuss was the fact that people with depression, anxiety, bipolar or whatever mental illness/disorder are depicted. They are always depicted as the people who are strong to fight how they feel and how their strength is to be applauded in living in a world where people with mental illness are labeled as attention seekers or just plain crazy. I think what they don’t know is how hard it is for us just to exist. I don’t about you but that’s how I feel. At some point everyday in my life, I’ve felt like I’m acting out a part that I don’t want to have in a tv role that sucked because I hated it.
Today, I screwed my acting career and didn’t show up for taping whatever scene I’m supposed to act in. (I miss acting hence the metaphors for being on set and shit, I think). I wpke up feeling hopeless as shit and I just want to cry but couldn’t, tried to shake it off and pushed with my will to eat breakfast but after that, I went up to my room and just lay down and wanted to cry but couldn’t. My mom came up and asked what was wrong and I told her I didn’t know and I couldn’t do anything about it, she told me that I should fight it and do the things I would normally do.
So I did what thought I needed to do to escape. I slept. Then I woke up, went to my brothers’ room and slept there because my room was a sauna. Then woke up around six and went back to my room to go lurk on twitter.
After more wallowing and staring outside at the colors of the sky changing, my brother went to me and asked me if I was okay, I wanted to tell him that that was the question that he shouldn’t ask me because he knew what I would say, but I learned to be honest about it with my family, whenever they asked me that, I’d respond with yes or no and the answet today was a definite NO.
He went on a spiel about not thinking and just doing and trying to make myself happy as if I haven’t had the conversation with myself so many times before he told me that. I really wanted to lash out and scream but I’m not that kind of person thus, me writing a very long post about it on a blog that my family knows it exist.
The spiel is not really that different with the one my mother told me. All they want is for me to live a life that will not hold me back because of this illness. I know that but sometimes even though my family is my great support system, sometimes I have a hard time trying to make them understand how I feel when I don’t even know how to put my feelings into words.
And to top it all off, I couldn’t for the life of me let myself cry.