This is a Rant About Myself

The thing about having an anxiety disorder is, one never not worries about things that have happened, is happening, or will happen. One worries and that will not change, I think.

Very recently, I was in contact with toxic people in a certain aspect of my life, “Will I ridicule them for what they’ve done? About how they made me feel like I was incompetent and useless?” , “Was I that stupid to think that you would be my friend and understand why I am telling you this?”, the worst part of it was that I was a bitch to this person just because I was mad. I was infuriated with a little interaction with someone else that yhey weren’t happy about it.

As a result of that conflict, I left the said group and that toxic person behind. I wasn’t able to sleep and kept on replaying the conversation or rather kept on reading back on the conversation we had and I kept on asking myself, “Was it really necessary to use those words? To be mad?”

The answer to that question is yes, it was okay to be mad but I think I acted immaturely with what had happened.

I’ve never been the type of person to confront others when I feel like something bad is happening or if I feel like they are talking about me behind my back. I’ve always been straight forward up until what caused my depression and anxiety. I never questioned myself when I did something bitchy and mean or sarcastic when I do it infront of the person I am talking about. I love to tease people and sometimes my humor gets the best of me and I get to offend someone.

I never not dwell on things after what happened two years ago. I was such a different person back then and I am a different person now. I saw what I have become when I got diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I know that the depressive tendencies have been lifted for a few months, but I know it’s just waiting to jump on me at any given time.

With Generalized Anxiety, it’s a bit more tricky, granted that I ahve been a worrier and a tad bit negative all my life, knowing that there is something wrong in my brain as to why I’m like this and can be classified as a disorder and can be an excuse for acting like a bitch is a low blow for me. I’m not the type of person that one can boss around but it’s a different story when I know you’ve been in my shoes (albeit the fact different circumstances and I don’t know your story) but acting like you are superior to anyone is just plain wrong.

You don’t get to say that you are an advocate of mental health when you act superior to people who YOU don’t know personally or closely because they may have a mental health problem. The fact is YOU don’t know and I really don’t know if I’m still making sense.

I’ve just been really worried about things unfolding and a high school drama society will ensue just because I was mad and I acted out on impulse.

I started writing this post thinking if I can talk to this person and patch things up but I really don’t know right now. I’m sleep deprived, kind of hungry but I have no appetite, sluggish, in a slump, maybe even in limbo and I’m just confused.


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