Finding the Motivation

The last week of May 2015, I’ve decided to put a new life to this blog and fix it or do an overhaul like really focus on what I want to write about and what I want to say. I wanted it to be a multi-faceted blog where in I can write stories, blog about my mental health disasters and successes, talk about my life, and squeeze in books and something about fashion.

I think I love too much stuff and it put it in one place overwhelmed me. I also decided to pursue the YouTube thing where I talk about how I cope with the anxiety and all the things that are happening to me as a person with generalized anxiety disorder. But last week I was rushed into the emergency room because of my heart, we found out that I have a recurring Mitral Valve Prolapse, it’s not serious but I’ve had it since I was twelve and I’ve stopped taking meds for it as per doctor’s suggestion but now it’s back. I have no worries though about it because I can still do the things I want to do physically, like run around and scream or play sports or try boxing (which I did try once this summer).

Honestly, I have been busy since the second week of April this year. I had a wonderful opportunity to be an intern in one of the country’s top theater companies and it was an amazing time in my life, it was all going so well until the last week of the internship where I had several anxiety attacks that I wasn’t able to finish the week and see and work with the production. That was heartbreaking for someone who missed the stage like I did.

I’m still having a hard time motivating myself in ways that I thought I overcame already, like with school. Now, it’s a trigger for me and I know I can’t move forward without tackling going back or doing something else. The school decision will always be there if I don’t decide soon.

Triggers are a bit of a pain in the ass since I thought that some of my triggers are totally gone, which I now know is not the case because apparently triggers are the psycho-ex girlfireind of some sort, I’ve been having them constantly.

And of course, the doubts. I think my doubts about everything and anything about my life will always hinder me to do the things I want to pursue like writing, performing and the YouTube thing. I can’t shake the feeling of people looking at my videos thinking that I’m looking attention and am a fame whore by telling my story (stigma shit) or reading my writing and saying stuff like “Is this for real?” or commenting something horrible.

Being born a cheerful pessimist has its ups and definitely its downs.

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