There’s one thing I’ve learned about having generalized anxiety disorder and that is people who has it are going to worry about everything and anything for all their lives with or without medication, be it a major life changing thing or getting through the day.
This past week, I got a writing gig with my brother and right off the bat I started worrying about the writing schedules and the deadline (the deadline was last night), the content of the writing itself, the quality we were going to produce, will it be ready on time? And then come this weekend after the meeting with the client, after brainstorming about the content, after thinking about how we going to about it, I slipped.
Slipped in the way of majorly freaking out that my brother is chill as fuck and I’m stressing every single detail about it because my ass is on the line since I offered ourselves to do this so we had to deliver.
Last night was the deadline and we still haven’t finished it. My brother is a toxic person for me in terms of working together. He is a procrastinator as I am but I do cramming responsibly, with this kind of writing gig, sub par writing will not cut it and I told him that I don’t want to work with him anymore in future writing gigs.
Yes, we can work together on stage as actors and whatnot but not on writing because this weekend has been the most stressful and anxiety inducing moment since the start of my 2015, anxiety in a way that I can still function but I am just a little tumble away from jumping off the edge.
I’m a low maintenance person when it comes to group work or collaborations but now that I know that my irrational worry about everything is a disorder I will have in my life, I try to control it as much as possible and not to act on the violent things I imagine doing to the person making me worry and stressed.
Sleep deprivation and caffeine withdrawals are two things that should not be in my life and until this weekend, I’ve had the insomnia on the low because of my internship keeping me busy resulting to me sleeping at once when I get back home.
I get hyper, irritable and bitchy when sleep deprived, sometimes I’m a giddy big kid on the outside but my brain is in overdrive wanting my whole system to shutdown but due to recent writing gig gone crammed into one weekend, it sent the crazy me into over drive.
Right now, we are taking a break. It’s 3:32 am and my brother has been asleep since midnight. I woke him up to tell him to finish it and he responds, “Do you just want to rest first? We’ll do it early tomorrow.” So can you just imagine the sleep deprivation talking and swearing him to death and the anxiety acting up as to how are we going to face the client on Wednesday if don’t finish it tomorrow and make it perfect to show on a stage.
I worry too damn much. I need to breathe. Or a week to recuperate from this weekend but I can’t because I have work everyday.
I really need to relax.