A List

1. I’m tired
2. Lately, I’ve been feeling more tired than usual
3. Maybe it’s because I’m doing more stuff than I am used to
4. I think that’s good that I’m doing stuff and moving instead of just laying in bed feelinv miserable
5. I still feel helpless and miserable sometimes
6. I even miss the darkness that I buried myself into almost two yeara ago
7. It’s just Monday and I’ve already been absent to my class
8. I’ve vomitted and felt like dying last night too
9. Sometimes, I think that the darkness was a blessing in disguise
10. I’m still scared
11. But I’m supposed to be scared about everything because I’m just 21
12. There’s nothing wrong with being scared
13. Initially, this was just supposed to be a list of ten things that I’m thinking/feeling but
14. There’s number fourteen
15. I got this idea from gentlekindness blog
16. I’m 21
17. I’m not really sure what I’m trying to accomplish with this list
18. It’s 9:58 pm
19. I’m too anxious about school tomorrow
20. Will I be able to eat before going to class?
21. Will get to my doctor right on time or will he be late again to check on my eyes?
22. I’m being irrational
23. When have I ever been rational about the way my brain works?
24. The answer is never
25. I’m sick of having to go through PMS every single month
26. Sometimes, I don’t like to be a girl
27. Sometimes, I try to be a girl
28. Because even if I feel like utter shit, at least I look good on the outside
29. As long as I look fine on the outside, I might be able to hold everything that’s shit on the inside
30. I think

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2 thoughts on “A List

  1. I see you tried this too. It helped a little bit for me. At least we can put the random thoughts down in front of us and see which ones keep occurring.

    I don’t know of you noticed but as I was writing down my list. the thoughts from previous numbers were still running through my brain, especially ones that were really bothering me the most.

    For my list to have been an actual reproduction of my thoughts it would have had “why isn’t my boyfriend calling me” as every other one, over and over.

    And my second most recurring one actually would have realistically been “how am I going to make enough money to survive?’

    Maybe it can help us to write down our running thoughts like this sometimes and we could always make one list that we do not post but has all the repetitive thoughts on it.

    The reality of them going on and on in our heads makes is go crazy. It is impossible to concentrate on anything when our own brains are attacking us.

    I feel for you and I can see that you are suffering greatly. I wanted to say something to you about your numbers 11 and 12. (by the way 13 and 14 had some humor there and made me smile, It is good that you still have some capacity for humor…)

    OK about 11. I think that people may say you are supposed to be scared at your age about heading out into the world etc, but they are not referring to the kind of scared you are feeling. I think that what you feel goes beyond the usual nervousness that people feel at your age.

    Number 12 No I do not think that the level of scared that we feel is good. There are times when I feel to scared to be able to function normally. I think you are the same and you and I both end up with a kind of “avoidant personality” due to the fear. We just confine ourselves to our bed and our computer.

    There must be help for your brain condition and for mine, There are a lot of bad therapists but maybe some good ones. There are drugs and I don’t know what would work but maybe something,

    Let is try to reach out for help. I do not want to see you suffering this way and I do not want to keep living this way either,

    I will try for help and you try to. Keep writing on here, Maybe we will try making the lists again,
    HUGS
    Annie

    • This is he first time I posted a list but I make them alot in my head and alot of repetitive stuff there are what ifs about school and my decisions and sometimes it’s really scary because before I had anxiety I was pretty sure of myself but then things have happened and I changed and I’m still on the process of getting back the assuarance I had in myself back when I was just a girl going through college instead of a girl who is lost and just pacing life one day at a time. 🙂

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