The Last Five Years

“Jamie is over and Jamie is gone
Jamie’s decided it’s time to move on
Jamie has new dreams he’s building upon
And I’m still hurting

Okay stop. If you think this is a review of the musical turned movie The Last Five Years, then boy you are on the wrong blog, even if I just finished watching it and wasn’t so sure about the transition on who was telling the story from five years ago and after those five years, I understood it, even though I have not been in a relationship in my entire life.

I highlighted the lyric, “and I’m still hurting” because even in the trailer that’s the reason I wanted to watch the movie anyway, that’s the reason why I wanted to watch the musical on YouTube even if I didn’t finish because I didn’t understand shit about the stage production of it.

Anyway, I said this is not a movie review and it IS not, it is a look back on the last five years of my life. I related to the movie in an out of context way because I haven’t been a relationship and by no means ready to get married but in the context that I am still hurting by what had happened in the last two to five years of my life, I’ve read a quote the other day saying, “I have no regrets, only lessons from experiences” or something like that.

Like Cathy in the musical, I have felt inferior, beaten down because I thought I wasn’t good enough. I have had the share of being disappointed by myself because I couldn’t win and someone else seems to always win the invisible race and cross over the finish line ALWAYS before me.

“Plenty have hoped and dreamed and prayed
But they can’t get out of Klimovich
If Schmuel had been a cute goyishe maid
He’d’ve looked a lot like you
Maybe it’s just that you’re afraid to go out on to a limb-ovich
Maybe your heart’s completely swayed
But your head can’t follow through

But shouldn’t I want the world to see
The brilliant girl who inspires me?
Don’t you think that now’s a good time to be
The ambitious freak you are?
Say goodbye to wiping ashtrays at the bar
Say hello to Cathy Hiatt, big-time star!
‘Cause I say:
Na na na na na na na na
Cathy, you get to be happy!
Na na na na na na na
I give you unlimited time!
Na na na na na na na
Stop temping and go and be happy!

The song was about a tailor who wanted to give up the time that he was given but the clock told him that it will stop time and just sew for one more time and the dress of your dreams will appear. Though I didn’t include the lyrics of the talking clock but you get the point.

I feel like that it’s the most relatable for me in this time of my life where I am starting over and trying to find myself with the time that I have been granted and I have to work for it to become a success, I have many dreams and plans and wants and goals and I’m still young and I will be able to do them in time.

I’m not always on time
Please don’t expect that from me
I will be late
But if you can just wait
I will make it eventually

Not like it’s in my control
Not like I’m proud of the fact
But anything other than being exactly on time
I can do

Cathy asked Jamie to wait when he proposed because she wasn’t in a level in life where Jamie was standing on.

I am nowhere near the level of the old me had maybe reached by this age, college graduate, has a job, supports her art and her passions. I am not that person by a long shot but in time, with time, I will become that person.

CATHERINE
Goodbye until tomorrow!

JAMIE
I didn’t see a way we both could win

CATHERINE
Goodbye until I’m done thanking God
For I have been waiting
I have been waiting for you
I have been waiting!

JAMIE
Goodbye, Cathy

CATHERINE
I have been waiting for you

JAMIE
Goodbye

CATHERINE
I will keep waiting –
I will be waiting for you

Just close the gate
I’ll stand and wait
Jamie…

BOTH
Goodbye

In their own ways they both said goodbye to the old couple that they were and putting a close on a chapter of their lives.

I’m struggling to keep both my old life and my new life but everyone knows that you have to choose one in order to live fully without regrets. I’m trying to get over the fact that I left the “me” in 2014 but somehow she still has a fight in her that wants an out, the theater geek who still has one foot in her old university’s organization where she was treated as a person and the way she wanted to be treated and not change, and I’m trying to channel the “new” me who is scared to put her foot in uncharted territory because she’s got this baggage that she cannot leave and will cling to her until the day she dies.

I need to say goodbye to the former because there are opportunities in life that I have to take and starting over is one.

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