Sometimes I Think I Grew Up Too Fast

At one point between the age of seventeen to nineteen, I think I grew up a little more than I should have wanted and needed. At twenty years old, I feel old and tired and weary about some of the things that are happening and might happen in my life.

I lost friends in the span of six months, I lost my mind in the next six months, broke down, cried, and got up again to fight. I though I had lost the will to fight but here I am nearly twenty-one years old and starting over with the fight called college. In less than two months I’m going to start a new chapter of my life or restarting the chapter of my life called, COLLEGE. It’s not gonna be easy, I know because in the Philippines if you reach the age of twenty to twenty-one, either you’ve graduated college or you are starting your Masters but I’m doing neither because I’m starting over and will try to get a degree in a program that I want more than the last one I took.

When I was a kid, I thought that by twenty years old I’d have my shit together. Planned my life as a flight attendant, traveller, jet setter and all that glamor that is attached to having a degree in Tourism and Hospitality Management. I remember that I wrote down this plan, it consists of being twenty and trying out to live on my own, paying for whatever I have. At twenty-five, I’d have traveled to half the places I want to go to (Greece, New York, Italy). At thirty, I’d have a cafe/book shop and having fun with my life. That was my plan. That was THE plan.

But plans go wrong, plans don’t really go as planned. I know this because for the past year, I’ve been lost, heartbroken, and tired with all the anxieties and issues I’ve had of being the person I wanted myself to be and I realized that that person was not the person I really wanted to be.

If you asked me right this second what I see myself doing in the next year, the next five years or ten, the only answer you’d be getting is, “Get back to me in a month because that’s the farthest I see myself surviving.” I say this because it’s true, it’s not because of the anxiety in my life that I feel but it is the simplest way I can convey how I feel about the future and growing up. I say that I see myself just for the next month because I’m taking it step by step and I’m literally taking baby steps. It’s like I’m learning to walk again and starting to get out of my walker to walk on my own without the help of my parents. It’s my baby steps. It’s on my own but of course with the support of the people that surrounds me.

Sometimes, I think I grew up too fast because I wanted to be that person that could help my parents after graduating college, after getting that hard-earned degree, but plans go wrong and dreams change.

I thought that I grew up too fast because I wanted to get ahead and be the person that I visioned myself to be but it turns out it’s not who I really wanted to be.

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3 thoughts on “Sometimes I Think I Grew Up Too Fast

  1. Life is always a path. It turns and twists. I have changed direction about jobs and things I like to do many times. Part of the fun of life is in the discovering of new interests and new directions you can go,

    But the anxiety you are feeling and the depression that follows, is not good. When our brains are attacking us full force then we need help.

    I hope you can find new dreams and keep discovering new interests and dreams and talents in yourself. But we have to be able to live with our own brains all the time.

    Some of the most talented creative geniuses had mental suffering… Edgar Allen Poe, Van Gogh, Robin Williams. Byron the poet, TS Eliott the poet.

    We have to keep trying until we get the help we need. Don’t discount the mental suffering, Try to let it be there as part of you but at the same time try to find ways to comfort it, as if it is a small child living in you. It needs to be shown kindness and compassion.

    I will put up a link when I find it to an Ajahn Brahm video that I listened to last night about not “fighting ” our thoughts but rather showing them kindness and compassion to calm them.

    Hugs
    Annie

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