I remember telling myself that I’d be that person who can let go easily of things without a fuss or without too much bickering and thinking but that didn’t really happen. Letting go of things especially “lost” things are harder for people and I guess I’m one of those.
Once words are spoken, feelings are hurt, it will never bring back the relationship you had with another be it with friendship or a romantic relationship, hell, you can sever a family tie because of having said words that at one time you thought fitting for the situation but sometimes these words that were uttered in that space in time were the ones who are going to teach you how to let go of people or the ones that are toxic in your life.
“You know what happened and I know you don’t want to become the victim but sometimes, you have to accept the fact that you have been betrayed.” my best friend scolded me while I sob.
“Dude, lay off. It’s just been days since her whole crying break down and we weren’t even there because she thought she was strong enough to handle it all on her own.” my other best friend told her like I wasn’t even in the room.
It’s been days since the break down but every time someone tries to talk to me about what happened that day, I just cry all over again and even if I tried to explain it, only tears come out of my eyes and the only words from my mouth are, “I don’t even know why.”
My mom was worried and she though that calling my best friends here will make me get out of my funk and go back to the same place I was a few months ago.
“Let’s go! You need to get out of your room and your house!” Kathleen pulled me up to a sitting position on my bed.
“I’m picking up your clothes and we are going out and that’s that.” Meghan started rummaging through my closet.
I never knew I could love my friends even more for being there for me at my lowest. I dragged myself to my bathroom and showered while Kathleen and Meghan tried to wrestle the dumpsite I call my closet.
I sat on the backseat of Kathleen’s car and just looked outside the window while the stereo played our throwback to high school playlist.
Losing friends took a very big toll on me slowly but gradually and I didn’t even notice it until the last few days of the semester. I acted the same as I would around them but I knew when people didn’t like me around them, it was just high school all over again but double the size of the people who hated me secretly. I’m not even sure if they did the hating secretly because I was busy with theater stuff that semester and maybe I just started to notice the hostility right before the big confrontation with Anna, my college best friend slash partner in crime who turned on me and jumped ship when I needed her.
“You didn’t even defend me, when they said those horrible things to me. All you said wasI should change so then they wouldn’t talk about me anymore!” I screamed at her.
“You don’t have to over react about it. It’s not like you liked any of them either.” she countered.
“You knew what kind of person I am but then what did you say? Nothing. You said nothing. You just left me to feel really bad about myself and you acted like none of it was happening!” I screamed.
“Hey, you’re quiet. What’s up?” Kathleen checked on me looking at the rearview mirror.
‘I think I just got tired of it all. I didn’t expect for it to go the way it went though.” I told them.
The two of them exchanged looks and nodded, I knew they understood who I was talking about.
For a few minutes the car was filled with music from our high school days where things were simpler and even though there was drama, I knew who was with me and who was against me.
We stopped at ice cream place where we usually go to back in high school and ordered our favorites, we sat down on the booth where we can check out everybody without being weird. It’s where we used to spend our time after school and just talk about stuff and laugh.
“They’re not good for you. You have to understand that letting that friendship go will be the best for you.” Meghan told me.
“Remember that it’s their loss because they lost a great friend.” Kathleen reached for my hand across the table.
I smiled at them with the small one I can muster.
They dropped me off at home before dinner and I just went up and closed my bedroom door and tried not to cry for the nth time that week but tears aren’t my friends and they just seemed to fall whenever they wanted. I overheard my mom and my aunt talking and what made me cry even more was the fact that they weren’t aware that what I felt have been with me for a few months and I couldn’t even explain it to them without tears blocking my face and the sobs took over my voice.
The next few days, I tried to write what happened in a notebook I found inside my room and I told myself that I needed to let go of the past if I wanted to live in the present.