Everything was a blur, I remember parts of it but all I can think of it that it was like a scene from a movie.
My parents asked me what happened last week when I broke down in the middle of the street walking home. All I really remember is walking home from class or was it work or the park, I’m not really sure and ending up in my room feeling nothing and wanting to disappear.
I think they decided to take me to a therapist when I started having these dreams or was it daydreams? I wasn’t sure if I was awake or not or half asleep most of the time. Anyway, there was a conversation I overheard when I was in my room and my mom and my aunt were downstairs in the kitchen.
“She hasn’t been speaking for a week. I’m worried.” my mom said, suddenly I heard something fell on the floor beside me but I have no energy to look at it.
“She just needs time.” I think that was what my aunt told my mom. She said something else but by the time i want to know what it was I had no energy to ask what they were talking about.
Days passed and the catatonic phase did not fail me. They told me I wasn’t speaking and wasn’t myself. I was crying over a CSI episode. Like, seriously? A CSI episode? How am I supposed to comprehend the way I was acting.
Those weeks, I remember my brothers coming to my room and asking me what was wrong and me answering with a grunt or a sigh or something along the lines of, “I’m okay.” or “Go away.”
The dreams hadn’t stopped, it was a mix of making things explode, being in a war zone where I kill so many people and I think there was an air of satisfaction from those dreams like defeating an enemy in those shoot to kill movies, and another where in I was in a classroom with my classmates and having a good day and suddenly being in a courtroom complete with a jury talking about the verdict of a case I had no idea of.
I still can’t remember what really happened that day and what triggered the onslaught of the panic attacks and the anxiety but I want to leave everything behind where it belongs. In the past.