“Wake up every morning and tell yourself that you’re a badass bitch from hell and that no one can fuck with you and then don’t let anybody fuck with you.”
Three years have gone and I feel like I’ve moved on. If I were to be that same eighteen year old girl who cried and cried and then got depressed because she got screwed over by her friends and boyfriend now, I wouldn’t be able to last a day.
I’m still me, I’m still going through the painful process that is called moving on, but I’ve gotten better. It doesn’t have to better in just a snap of a finger but starting over is a long and also painful process to be able to know that the time you got with people before will never be the same in the present.
I sit here, writing and thinking about how I’ve changed over the last few years. I still have panic attacks and anxiety but they don’t control me anymore.
I told myself that I will never change for anyone as long as I don’t step on anyone.
“Aly.” Luke, my boyfriend kissed the top of my head and I smiled at him, the sun touching my skin and it felt warm.
“Hey, hun. How are you?” I asked him and closed my notebook and took a sip of my caramel macchiatto.
“I missed you.” He laid back on the chair and soaked in the summer sun.
“You’re so clingy!” I threw a crumpled tissue paper at him and it landed on the side of the table and laughed.
He smiled at me. It’s been a year since we met and our relationship have been a big help in my recovery. He was there when I fell apart and broke down and held me a number of time when bursts of panic and anxiety have bothered me, be it about school or just memories and triggers.
“I ran into Jenna last week.” He eyed me seriously, looking for signs of anxiety or something. “She asked about you.” he continued.
“She said she wanted to contact you and talk about things.” he said, his eyes full of concern and right then I realized that I could never find anybody else to love me like he does.
“Really?” I asked sarcastically, he laughed and touched my right hand that was resting on the red moleskin notebook I closed.
“It’s been three years, Aleisha. I think this will so you good to fully recover from what happened and move on.” he thumbed my knuckles and I made a face at him.
“Game.” I smiled at him genuinely.
I was to meet Jenna in the very same cafe that we met in years ago and I was there early. I was anxious and nervous and everything that could trigger and attack was present but I needed to be calm and Luke has been texting me non stop consoling me and calming me down. He even sent a voice note singing my favorite song to calm my nerves.
I ordered Chamomile Tea, because coffee can make me a jittery bitch.
I was reading a paper for university when she approached me, I didn’t even noticed her enter the cafe.
“Hi, Aly.” Jenna greeted me nervously. I went right back to the time when we first met and instantly clicked because out personalities and our sarcasm. We were just in the same wavelength that we became close fast.
She sat down, hesitant to speak so I spoke first.
“How are you?” I asked, but in my head, my inner bitch was having a raging fit of anger and wanted me to be the bitch I was itching to be for three whole years.
“I’m fine. How are you?” she asked with a little smile.
“I’m good, doing better than I did three years ago.” I couldn’t help myself.
“I’m so sorry about what happened.” she looked genuinely hurt, like she had the balls to be hurt from what she did but I needed to be the bigger person because I know myself better and I’m stronger.
“I heard that you’ve been back in university and shifted to another program.” she informed me hesitantly, Luke told her, I knew it. He really wanted us to be okay.
“Yeah, I came back. I can’t really stay hidden under a rock and cry. That’s just not me.” I told her with a deadpan voice. I looked outside and saw Luke’s car pass by. I look back at her and kind of felt a pang of guilt when I said that, but snapped out of it when I remember what she did to me.
We sat there quietly for a moment and my mind went back to the time when we started hanging out in this very cafe to study and talk about university and our lives that one day we’ll be opening a shop just like this, but time is irreversible and things that happened in the past can never can change the plans that people had back then and might never come true.