Connection, Conversations, Catfish

(story inspired by Catfish: The Movie)

“I feel so bad for you and what I’ve done.”

I was conversing with this girl, constantly talking to her. She became a part of my daily life. I told her things that I haven’t told anyone. There was a connection. But that was all it was, connection. But it was a big fat lie. I didn’t think that I’d be a victim of this fad, of this mockery of knowing someone through the internet. I thought I knew how to spot a catfish, I am person who wants to be sure of everything, maybe I am a perfectionist in some way but having this experience gave more trust issues than I did before.

“I feel so bad for you and what I’ve done.” She said with tears streaming down her face.

“I’ll be okay.” I told her, which I know is a lie because I felt a deep connection with her.

She lied to me. Period. I should be mad at this, I couldn’t believe that I was that gullible, maybe it was because of the attention, I am 24 years old for crying out loud and the last time I had a girl notice me because of my personality was Tricia, but then we grew apart and I focused on my career and then this girl notices me from a party I hosted or so she says and adds me on facebook and followed me on twitter. There were a lot of little things that I should’ve noticed but I didn’t. I was so happy that finally, for a year and a half someone made me feel like it’s worth it to try again, that I might have the chance to open my heart again and risk the heartbreak and all that shit.

We talked, we chatted, we sent pictures online. I didn’t even think of anybody besides us. I longed for the moments we talked, her calls, her texts. She told me she was a writer but her work has never been published because she thinks it’s never finished. She told me stories about her friends’ café and how she dreamt of having her own reading there when she published her book. She sent me stories on my facebook account; her twitter was full of lovely prose and snippets of her imagination. I fell for her.

The days when she wouldn’t call or text were my lowest days. I wanted to talk to her. I knew that our connection was real because one can never connect with someone on that level. I knew in my heart that she was real. I wanted it to be real.

“I feel so bad for you and what I’ve done.”

“I’ll be okay.”

There’s a fine line between pranking and making a fool of someone’s feelings. I knew that she felt bad and I hope that she feels genuinely bad because I got hurt, again. Relationships. Maybe they aren’t for me, maybe I am better off alone.

Honestly, I don’t know how to feel. The first time she contacted me through facebook, I was kind of flattered because she told me that I did a great job of hosting that event and wished she could talk to more, but it was the little things that I wasn’t able to see, I was so wrapped in that bubble that I made, that those little things weren’t noticed. Like the time she told me that she had a cat then she also mentioned that she hated them, she was very inconsistent about everything.

My sister was skeptical since the very beginning, “She is clearly not for real, Michael. She’s so damn inconsistent and who would lie to you like that?” she screamed at me when I told her that I met a friend online. “Janice, relax. It’s not like something’s happening.” I tried to soothe her raging temper. “You are not desperate, Michael. You’re young; you should not waste time on things like this. Instead of falling for a complete stranger you met online, you should be going out and meeting people who are real and who you’d meet face to face.” She scolded me.

“I feel so bad for you and what I’ve done.”

“I’ll be okay.”

You told me you wrote a story about me. You sent me a piece of that story and I really liked it. I know that by that time, we were going pretty fast. We rode the train at full speed because we didn’t have that physical intimacy yet, you showed it through your stories that you send and I show it by letting you know who I am. I told you things and aspirations that I never told anyone, I guess they were right about that saying, “You can say anything to a perfect stranger.” As clichéd as that sentence was, I didn’t even consider you as a stranger anymore. You were a friend that I was able to count on.

Our relationship was faster than the bullet train in Tokyo. I was on cloud nine when we talked, I was all smiles when you compliment me on my hosting, but the deal breaker was when every time I try to set a meeting with you, you always have a reason not to show up and once, you even stood me up. This was becoming my life, you were becoming of my life but I guess, the life that I envisioned with you was all fake because you are not a real girl and you are the brother of one of my batch mates in high school.

Catfish. That is what you are, you are a cat fish and I am the cod. You kept me fishing for clues about who you are and what you are. It never crossed my mind that you were a lying son of a bitch!

“I feel so bad for you and what I’ve done.”

“I’ll be okay.”

I’ll be okay, but not tonight. Maybe tomorrow or next week, I am not sure. I know I will be okay in time and will be able to trust in someone again to the point of agreeing to give them my heart wholeheartedly, without doubts and negativity.


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