All day long, I have been thinking how to do this, how to tell him my secret. I know that it will be hard for him to understand my reasons or lack thereof; I know that he might hate me or even think that I am a freak.
I love him with all my heart which is why what I would be doing tonight will break my heart into a million little pieces, I don’t know about him but that’s what I am going to feel when everything is said and done. I keep pacing the room wondering how to open my mouth when he comes home after work. I know he has been having an amazing day because he has been texting me nonstop about the commendation of his supervisor, I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t even know if this is the best idea.
I know I will hurt him, but believe me when I say that I know that it will hurt me more. I am the one who is suffering and I don’t want to drag him down in hell with me, I know it’s a bit selfish but then I don’t want to hurt him more than how I am hurting now.
I heard the doorknob turn and I brace myself for his smiling face and deep dark brown eyes. For those few seconds I take in his appearance, the mole on his cheek, the dimples on his cheekbones when he smiles genuinely and the way he looked at me, I want to shrink and let him envelop me with a tight bear hug right then and there.
“Hey, baby. How was your day?” I walked towards him and smiled genuinely as I could while my insides cave and tie themselves in knots, good thing I was an actress.
“It was fine, my editors liked the last revision for the manuscript that I gave them but I’m still not sure if I am ready to publish that story.” I went to the kitchen and head to the fridge to get his food.
“Your story has been ready for the past 5 years, Jodi. You just have to believe it.” He was beside me and when I turned around he held my head in both his hands and thumbed my cheeks and looked straight into my eyes, “You just have to believe that you are a great writer.” He smiled and kissed my forehead then walked back into the living room.
How am I supposed to say to him that I am going to leave him? I am supposed to just blurt out, “Oh, by the way, I don’t want to hurt you because I am hurting myself and I need you to be happy.” That just not make any sense and it won’t do us any good. I reheat the lasagna in the microwave and take in the look of our kitchen, the red over head cupboards and the oven beside the pantry, the table where we cooked together. This life that I have with him was better than where I was before I met him but right now, I just can’t deal with everything. I’m so scared.
I jumped when the ding of the microwave sounded off. “Hey, are you okay?” he walked towards me and hugged me. I try not to cry and forced the tears not to fall down my face. I’m so tired of crying, it’s just so exhausting.
“I know you’re having a hard time, but I am here. I know how you think Jodi. I feel your pain. For 3 years, I’ve watched you picked yourself up and I want to be here by your side when you succeed. I know right now you’re falling apart and you think that I don’t see it, but I know you.” I got tears on his shirt and I don’t even care. He pulled away from the embrace and put my head in both of his hands and looked straight into my eyes, he kissed me passionately, a tear escaped from my eyes. I pulled back and stifled a sob; he was still staring at me, his deep brown eyes looking into my eyes. “I love you. I know how you act when you’re mad, sad, glad, and afraid. If you’re planning on leaving me, I won’t let you. You are not going through this alone again. I know your past and I saw how well you’re doing, if it happens again, I want to be there with you and not just looking at you helpless. Let me help you. I love you.” I tugged on his shirt when he finished, he reached his thumb to my cheeks to wipe away my tears.
I didn’t expect him to say that, I didn’t expect him to know how I felt; I didn’t even have to say a word. Right then and there I knew that he was the one. I hugged him tightly not even bothered by my tears anymore. “I love you too.”