I am a hopeless romantic, let’s just get that out of the way. I know the difference between “tall, dark, and fictional” and “tall, dark, and handsome and real”. I know that crushes will make you swoon with kilig but will hurt like hell when you discover that you’ve fallen for them and have had feelings for them that wouldn’t go away even if you stab yourself to death, it’ll still be there.
Recently, I have gotten the bug on my new crush. He’s not what you’d call “tall, dark, and handsome” because (1)he is just a few inches taller than me, so I don’t really consider him tall at all, (2) he is by no means dark, I am darker than him (I’m tan, I’m a Filipina, so don’t judge), (3) and finally, he is not the conventional handsome type, he’d pass for cute but for me, he’s a nice boy who is not really my type, that is if I have a type, really.
I’ve been in baking class for a month now and unnecessarily, we have no classes this week. Last Thursday, I did something I wouldn’t have usually done if sober, so you get what I mean. I’ve been clingy, touchy, and most of all helluva a lot FLIRTY, which by the way is never me! FLIRTY is not in my vocabulary as far as I’ve known myself.
It’s day 3 of not having baking classes and it’s kind of driving me nuts! He has no phone, I can’t track him down facebook or twitter. I even went far enough to google him but to no avail. I’m getting frustrated over the fact that I have his friend’s number but can’t even seem to have the balls to talk him about my crush, because I know it will be so obvious that I like him.
He was the first one of the guys to talk to me in class, he was nice and all and kind of funny, but as usual I came up with the sarcastic choice of words which is normal for me. Right off the bat, I noticed him, he was the only one worth noticing in that class by the way.
It’s like the way I feel when I think about him is like the first day of elementary school and you get to feel the very first butterflies in your stomach, that throat clogging up feeling when you see the boy who gives you these feelings. It’s like having your first crush and you don’t know what to do about it and it will drive you mad! Every minute you want to talk to him, you want to know him, you want to sit next to him in art class, you want him to be your partner or groupmate in every project that your teachers give you.
It’s maddening! The feeling when you don’t get to talk to him, the feeling when you get to talk to him and know him a little bit more, the feeling when you know what his dreams are and what he wants to accomplish.
I know it’s frightening to feel this way, but sometimes, it’s kind of refreshing. Well, for me, it is. Being stoic for the past few months because of shit that’s happening in my life, having a crush seems to be the nicest thing that could happen to me right now. It’s like I’m opening up again to people, as corny as it sounds, I am finding myself in the light that I have lost when I went psycho and didn’t want to talk to anybody even my closest friends. Now, I have new friends, but I kept the old ones still in tact because without them I wouldn’t have survived that depressing moment in my life.
Right now, I want to see him, I want to talk to him, I want to stare at his face and make him uncomfortable (because last Thursday, when I was on my flirting rampage, he was kind of uncomfortable when I stared at him and it was nice to make someone feel conscious because I as looking in their eyes and singing to them), I want to sit next to him and maybe I’m such a freak for having these feelings for the first boy who noticed me since my break down, but I don’t care. I am happy with him crushing my mind with his presence and what not for the time being.
Who knows, maybe we’ll be great friends or maybe he’ll be the lucky first boyfriend or maybe he’ll just break my heart like all the other guys I had a crush with. You wouldn’t know, I wouldn’t know but what I know right now is that I am happy feeling like a elementary student having her first shot of butterflies in the stomach.