I’ve been stoic for too long. I’ve been ignoring these feelings that have been building up for the past 2 years, 3 months, 1 week and 2 days. I might as well kill myself for being like this. Like a fake. Like a person with a smile on her face but wants to throw and break everything that is in front of her.
Friends, so-called friends, they say that to know who your friends are you have to breakdown and fuck everything up to know who is willing to stay with you through the shittiest moment of your life, and voila!
But that didn’t happen to me, it just so happens that I am the odd one out. I am the fool who thought that being myself would gain friends, the genuine kind, but what did I get? What came out of trying it? I saw that I didn’t really have friends.
This facade that I built for so long was gradually coming down, they were there when I needed advice about love, school, career and friends, but what I didn’t see was the judgement that came with the friendship. I thought about the times we went out together to watch a movie, to go out and eat and talk about stuff. I never noticed the judgement that went along with all of it. I want to repeat it again and again to know why, why I didn’t see their watchful eyes for that one little mistake that I’ll make, every step I took was accompanied with mean looks behind my back, snide comments about my personality and all that shit.
I thought I was the bully but I was really being bullied silently. I don’t know where this came from and why, but being the odd one out sure feels like I’m inside a cage and they are waiting for the experiment to have that effect on me and make me crack and scream.
I only realized this when people stopped sharing stories, when people stopped talking in front of me, when the person who I thought I might trust told me that I am good for nothing piece of trash. I tried to reason with them, I tried to ask what happened, I tried to act like nothing happened but the walls came up along with the feeling of betrayal and shame.
It really hit me that one day when I was walking along the corridor and I saw you guys, and on any other given time I might have been happy to see you but as I was about to wave, you just passed by me. That’s it. That’s when it hit me, that feeling was the last straw, I felt invisible.
I didn’t know what to do, who to talk to, who to confide in because the person I thought who would be there, is unfortunately gone.